Lily Maureen's Transdisciplinary Neurodiversity

 Many Neurodivergent people have a difficult time naming their own emotions or describing how they feel. I am far from being immune to this, despite being a synesthete. For me, when I'm around others, I'm not sure whether their emotions are mine or what my emotions even are. When I'm alone, however, I have a very difficult time even naming what emotions I am experiencing, unless there is a specific trauma-related trigger. I have read that Alexithymia often develops as a trauma response in many cases, and I am basing my information off of my own Autistic experience of it. For example, I can sometimes name loneliness when it hits me, but some of the more basic emotions elude me.  It can be difficult to express your emotions, particularly in a neurotypical way, if you're unaware of what you're actually feeling at a given moment. As a mirror-touch synesthete, my emotions get entangled with others and it can sometimes be chaotic trying to juggle another person's emot...

 I personally do not like or adhere to the term "empath," but I believe I have figured out the explanation for this phenomenon, which I do experience. It's specifically called mirror-touch synesthesia, and is also related to mirror-pain synesthesia and mirror-emotion synesthesia, which I spoke of at an earlier time. Studies show that mirror-touch synesthetes experience heightened levels of empathy because, in addition to feeling at least an echo of another person's pain, many of us also feel their emotions as if they were our own. This sounds an awful lot like the horrific pop psychology term, "empath," but most people attribute it to a supernatural phenomenon if they're not lying about it, rather than a Neurodivergence. It's a lesser known type of synesthesia, but I experience mirror-touch, as well as more "traditional" types of synesthesia where many of my senses blend together. I was actually misdiagnosed with schizoaffective because I d...

 Last night I attended an event locally entitled Poetry Speaks, and it was a celebration of the life of the late Bill Sovern. I have known him since I was 15, and he gave me a stage to read poetry at a young age. The last performance of his that I attended when he was alive was over a decade ago, long before I started transitioning, and he made a comment about Jack Kerouac (likely in relation to my poetry style), and I took offense to it, although I should have taken it as a compliment since I was a voracious reader of the Beats and fashioned my early poetry after them, especially Kerouac. So, that was the last time I performed while he was still alive, but I had planned to start going to more poetry events since the publishing of my book, Cracked Around the Edges, and he tragically passed in a car wreck before I had a chance to read any of it to him. Well, going to Poetry Speaks last night was surreal. It was the loudest and most emotional poetry reading I have ever attended durin...

 Sexuality can be a fluid experience. I know from past experience of identifying as a gay male that would occasionally alternate with biromanticism that my sexual and romantic orientations could be fluid, but I didn't realize to what degree until I started socially, and later medically, transitioning. I am genderfluid: equal parts femboy, masculine girl, and otherkin (partially nonhuman, particularly technogender, which is a gender that has a strong connection to technology, and aliencatgender, which means that I sometimes feel alienated from gender and like I'm trying on human genders and I'm also a cat, but that ties into my neurodivergence and they can fall under the xenogender and agender umbrellas). I can identify with the gay, lesbian, and bi communities, as well as the trans and queer communities, not to mention the asexual/agender spectrums. I am also possibly at least hormonally intersex, as I am very sensitive to estrogen injections, but I am simply trying to alig...

 I have been reading the book, Laziness Does Not Exist by Devon Price, PhD, and it has been making me think about the past 13 years of my life and how I handled it. It took me 12 years to go back to university and change my major to an associate degree in social science, then a bachelor's degree in psychology with a double minor in sociology and gender studies. I used to be an art history major and studio art minor, but after a while, and an attempt to switch to psychology in my early 20s, resulted in burnout that lasted over a decade. For a decade, I spent most of my time in bed and just thought I was "lazy" for being on SSI and being unable to do much other than indulge in learning about my special interests in my own time, including psychology. I didn't think I would ever be able to go back to college because I had, and continue to have to some degree, significant executive dysfunction. I am both Autistic and ADHD, but I was misdiagnosed with schizoaffective disord...

 It's interesting to me that the concept of existentialism has caught on on a very wide scale on social media and in culture because when I was 15 or 16 seeing my first therapist since early childhood, I was told that I "think existentially." It was also suggested that I read Man's Search for Meaning by Viktor Frankl to get acquainted with the concept, but I forgot the name of the book and author until I entered psychology at university. Instead, I started studying primarily Albert Camus and Franz Kafka, although I have read a large variety of other existentialist thinkers, such as Dostoyevsky.  I also put absurdism and nihilism under the umbrella of existentialism, although there are slight differences in approaches, but they all seek to better one's understanding of the nature of existence. Existentialism is what got me initially interested in philosophy, and I took an intro to philosophy course when I was 18, and philosophical ethics more recently. Existential ...

 Over the years, my gender identity has shifted many times. I knew initially that I was genderfluid, but tried very hard to be a binary trans woman, along with various other non-binary identities until I came to the conclusion of being a genderfluid hypertwink and otherkin (a partially nonhuman entity).  I consider myself a girl, a boy, technogender, and aliencatgender. The latter two can fall under Xenogenders or agender. The reason I call myself a girl and a boy is because I'm uncomfortable with woman or man due to developmental delays caused by trauma that have put me in a near permanent state of regression. I am also a hypertwink and try to take twink aesthetic to its fullest reaches in my presentation, and I am on hormone replacement therapy primarily to preserve my youth, my hair, and make me more twink-like and androgynous. The only gender affirming procedures I find necessary for myself is further laser hair removal. I would also like to describe how my genderfluidity ...

 I have started reading the book, The Secret Life of a Black Aspie by Anand Prahlad, in addition to, Feminist, Queer, Crip by Alison Kafer, and it is making me more aware of all of the various intersections that must be explored in Neurodiversity and Disability Studies. My own intersections deal with being a Multiply Neurodivergent, Non-binary, Queer, gender nonconforming, Demi/Omnisexual, multi-religious, Disabled person, but I know that there are many other intersections to explore rather than merely gender identity, gender expression, sexual orientation, able-bodiedness/able-mindedness, and religious affiliation, such as race, ethnicity, body type, and different forms of (dis)ability, among many other identifiers of who we are as people. I would like to remain as inclusive as possible moving forward, although my main point of reference will be Queer Neurodivergence, as that is what I am familiar with. I acknowledge my white and thin privilege in all of this, despite struggling w...

 While I am getting a bachelor's degree in psychology and a minor in either sociology or gender studies at the University of Southern Indiana, I would also like to obtain a bachelor's degree online in my own time in Disability Studies. While I have primarily been reading Neurodiversity Studies, Autie-ethnographies, and fiction written by Autistic authors, I have decided to brush up on Crip Theory and Disability Studies in general by reading "Feminist, Queer, Crip" by Alison Kafer. It brings in a lot to think about and introduced me to the political/relational model of disability, instead of just the social and medical models. Overall, I would like to be a Disability Studies scholar, advocate, and activist to the best of my ability and try to be as inclusive as possible of various other people's Disabled status, despite this specific blog being more centered around Queer Neurodivergence. I would also like to be more mindful of how I approach difference in the world...

 There are many forms of trauma-based therapy, but throughout the years, I have learned the type of neurobiological transformation that I want comes in form of ketamine therapy. I take ketamine troches (lozenges) at home because I have a lot of medical trauma. They are legally prescribed to me. The topic of ketamine therapy can be murky for the Autistic, as we respond to anesthesia differently than neurotypicals in many cases. Some ketamine doctors are also not sure what to do when presented with Autistic individuals. In many instances, if you're Autistic, you are also more likely to have gastroparesis, which might be my case. Gastroparesis can change the way that you metabolize certain substances, and in my case, it tends to elongate the experience of ketamine for me, considering I am taking it sublingually and orally. It goes through secondary and (in my opinion) tertiary pass metabolism. This leaves me with a day to re-connect my thoughts and helps encourage neuroplasticity. I d...

 Communication is more than speaking and Autistic people are a great example of a community who uses a wide variety of communication techniques and technologies to help assist us. Some Autistic people are speaking, some are nonspeaking, some partially nonspeaking, many have apraxia of speech, some connect to language in a synesthetic way, some are object visualizers, and some spatial visualizers. For nonspeaking and partially speaking (and even speaking Autistics who want an alternative) can turn to assistive technologies or other forms of communication, such as facilitated communication, RPM (rapid prompting method), letterboards, AAC (Augmentative and Alternative Communication) devices or apps, writing, typing, ASL (American Sign Language), and a multitude of other ways to communicate, including, but not limited to music, sound, and motoric movements that convey a message to the Autistic or otherwise Disabled person. These methods are used for other Disabilities sometimes as well...

 Firstly, I would like to say that as the saying goes, "If you have met one Autistic, you have met one Autistic." Terminology for Autistic individuals may vary, but much of the community agrees on identity-first language rather than person-first (of course if the person prefers person-first language for Autism, that should be respected, as should outdated terms like Asperger's or "Aspie") and many of us reject functioning labels because it can either deny agency or deny accommodations, depending on what a psychologist determines your needs to be. When I was a child, it was assumed that I had an intellectual disability at first because I was partially nonspeaking and primarily communicated with verbal stimming and tics during class. I was also subjected to some ABA techniques to attempt to modify my behavior, which I completely didn't understand as a child. In fact, I was not even informed of a formal diagnosis other than what was assumed to be an intellectua...

 As I write this, I am trying to decompress from sensory overload that nearly turned into a meltdown. It all started when I went to the pharmacy with my nesting partner and the pharmacy technician interrupted me in mid-sentence and said, "I can't hear you." I get this a lot as I have difficulty controlling the volume of my speaking voice and also have apraxia of speech to a degree, so people also misunderstand what I am saying a lot of times and tend to do so in a condescending manner. Matters escalated from this simple event that has occurred time and time again (especially in medical settings) that I often view as ableist and transmisogynistic in my case and ended up nearly turning into what the Autistic community refers to as a meltdown. There are also shutdowns, but I more frequently experience meltdowns. Depending on how you define a meltdown, this could have been considered a mini-meltdown as I was enraged, yelling, and crying in a sort of rotation once I got home. ...

 If you are not aware of the Radical Visibility movement for Queer Disabled people, I highly suggest looking into Sky Cubacub's website for Rebirth Garments and watch the video or read the abridged version of the zine on the topic of Radical Visibility. Radical Visibility is an anti-assimilationist approach to wearing vibrant and unique clothing and apparel to highlight both your Queer and Disabled status, whatever that might be. Rebirth Garments is a line that produces clothing, lingerie, and apparel for Queer Disabled people that help us stand out in the world because we are often pushed aside. Radical Visibility can come in many forms, as highlighted in Dr. Devon Price's book, Unmasking Autism. I have my own way that I have developed to express myself through Radical Visibility: wearing Cheshire cat coswear (or as I like to call it, "my fursuit") in public. I get a lot of looks from people, but I have also received a compliment. I have tried this on two occasions, ...

 I have heard from a friend that she has been having difficulty finding accommodations concerning special dietary needs that are absolutely necessary for Autistic people if you are going to be throwing any kind of social event. I have my own special dietary needs and food restrictions, not to mention severe textural aversions to many foods. I found this so distressing that I figured it was enough input to make an entry about.  A lot of times, Autistic people will eat what we call "samefoods" where we will continuously eat the same types of food for days, weeks, months, even years on end. Special dietary needs and food restrictions, such as food allergies, need to always be worked out before any social event so that all people are accommodated. This brings me to another point about Autistic people's difficulty with certain foods: we are also at an elevated risk of developing eating disorders, such as anorexia, or in my case avoidant-restrictive food intake disorder. The la...

 This might change the course of what I have been working with on this blog, as well as help it crystallize into a true transdisciplinary way of looking at things. I am calling on people who are both Queer and Disabled to be the primary active members of this community. I already discussed Queer and Disability Rights intersections, but I would like to take it a step further by focusing my topics only on Queer and Disability-related issues, particularly neurodivergence considering I am both Queer and Multiply Neurodivergent. I would like to, however, invite any Queer people who are also Disabled in any way to help contribute to the conversations that I start on this blog, and you may see a shift, as you have been seeing, on the topics that get discussed here. Queerphobia and ableism are not mutually exclusive, but I do not think it is fair to people who are Disabled, but not Queer to be required to participate and vice versa. That also doesn't seem fair to the Queer Disabled communi...